Quarascopes

Julia
Mar 24, 2020
5 min read

Julia (Pisces sun, Libra moon, Libra rising), and Annie (Gemini sun, Scorpio moon, Cancer rising), are your new source for all things astrological. Mercury did quite a number in retrograde for the past couple months, so now that it's out of there, it's time to turn the car around. Here are suggestions from Julia and memes curated by Annie for you to ponder during this trying time in quarantine. When all else fails (and it has), it's time to consult the stars.

Aquarius

(Jan 20 - Feb 18)

This air sign needs to peruse one category and one category only on all streaming websites:

Documentary. Your intellectual curiosity and humanitarian efforts don't have to be put on hold just because you're trapped inside all day, every day. Besides its time to ghost bae–those long FaceTimes were getting a little too deep for you. Blackfish? Icarus? Both Fyre Fest documentaries? You'll be the household leading expert on Sea World malpractice, Russians really wanting to win the Olympics, and shady white guys getting Kendall Jenner to promote nonexistent, neocolonial festivals in no time. Roll your sleeves up, its time to dominate those dinner convos and group chats.

Pisces

(Feb 19 - March 20)

Let's face it, Pisces season was a total bust. Had to cancel your birthday plans of bottle service and Brooklyn raves? Julia feels for you. The doctors (us) are now prescribing an advanced, clinically proven regimen to get you through the end of this trying time: Sleep until noon, cry, journal, nap, watch Netflix murder shows, repeat.

Well, looks like your lifestyle hasn't changed all that much in quarantine. The good news is that your birthday didn't count this year, so you get to retain that youthful glow for one more year. Unless you were turning 21...yikes. The best thing you can do right now is dust off your crystals, meditate, and manifest a better era while you harness all of your emotional power.

Here's to hoping that you blew out that birthday candle that you stuck in your takeout box and wished for a better one next year.

Aries

(March 21 - April 19)

Aries, for the love of your family, please go blow off some steam on a yoga mat in your living room. Don't have weights? Use soup cans. Pull up the YouTube work outs and get to work. If you haven't already, do the push up Instagram challenge and tag your friends, but please make sure you don't start shaking–that's embarrassing. By the time we all get out of quarantine, you'll have abs of steal and better managed anger issues, and you'll have us to thank.

Taurus

(April 20 - May 20)

Your quarantine task is to kick that green thumb into high gear and grow your own food in the back yard. Who knows when all of these resources will dry up. It's time to plant those Heirloom tomatoes and save your family. Throw on your black-tie attire and whip up some Bruschetta. Claim to be the second coming of the the farm-to-table movement. Get Michael Chabon on the phone, he's going to want to quote you in his next book.

Gemini

(May 21 - June 20)

Geminis (Geminii? Whatever the plural is, you get the point) get a bad rap for being "two-faced," but when it comes to personalities, we say, "The more the merrier." In a job interview this is called "multi-dimensional." We believe that quarantine is the time for Gemini to tap into their unparalleled potential. Our tip for you? Create a complex web of significant others and FaceTime them according to schedule at different points throughout your day to keep you entertained. No one on this new roster will know if they're JV or Varsity, but joke is on them because they're all sitting on the bench while COVID-19 is circulating. This is precisely why this activity is perfect for you, Gemini, because you won't have to act on these little crushes anyways. If you're feeling particularly spicy, invite them all to a Zoom meeting and then don't attend.

Cancer

(June 21 - July 22)

Tired of having to defend your mom against the criticism of all your siblings? Tired of having to hold down the fort and prevent WWIII from erupting when your family is trying to pick the takeout restaurant for dinner? It's time to put your pessimism and suspicion to good use. Start compiling articles about COVID-19 and develop a Ted Talk about how things are never going to improve. Present it to your quarantine companions. No one else will be uplifted, but maybe you will be.

Leo

(July 23 - Aug 22)

Leo, it's time to put your optimism and compassion to good use. Call your friends and give them pep talks about how we're going to get through this time. Tap into your creativity and paint a portrait of your dog. Edit videos of happier, simpler times. Entertain your family by hogging the bathroom with shower concerts. You are the cheerleader we all need in this time, but don't let that go to your head.

Virgo

(Aug 23 - Sept 22)

Virgo, the Food Network was built for you and your cute little quarantine self. Throw your apron on, slide into Bobby Flay's DM's, and start your own cupcake wars. Now is the time for you to stand in front of the pantry and take an hour to decide what flavor of Annie's Mac you want to make. While everyone is sitting around twiddling their thumbs, you will throw back your head and laugh, while eating your tenth quinoa Pinterest recipe of the week. For this, we applaud you. Go get those Michelin Stars, Virgeaux. One rule: at least one bottle of wine per recipe.

Libra

(Sept 23 - Oct 22)

This isolation is killing you, Libra. It's time to get creative. You're taking this popularity contest digital. We recommend that you take this Tik Tok thing all the way. Duet with friends and embark on your spiritual journey (read: road to 10k). Schedule a Zoom Happy Hour and invite three pages worth of people to scroll through so that no one can get a word in. And while you're there, set your background to a picture of a crowd at a concert. Trust us, it will make you feel better.

Scorpio

(Oct 23 - Nov 21)

Scorpio, we're giving you permission. It's time to go in on your social media Sherlock stalking skills. Stalk the exes, side baes, "best female friends" of all of your friends' baes. Leave no stone un-turned.

We're talking desktop folders of profile pics and Facebook pokes (refer to Episode 1 of our podcast). We want reports on our desk by quarantine close.

Sagittarius

(Nov 22 - Dec 21)

Perhaps no one in the entire zodiac feels more tied down than the Sag right now. All those plans for traveling the world in a van had to be put on hold. Our advice for you, free spirit, is to dust off the puzzles that no one has touched in years. If you can't actually go to those places on your bucket list you might as well spend three whole days trying to piece them together.

Next best thing? Planet Earth.

You'll feel just like your old self in no time.

Capricorn

(Dec 22 - Jan 19)

Capricorn, quarantine will be rough for you and your restless energy. Build a board game bracket for you and your loved ones and proceed to work on annihilating your younger siblings in Chutes and Ladders. There will be so many hotels on your Monopoly properties that everyone will want to throw in the towel and watch a movie. Redirect that competitive streak, and turn every family board game into a war zone. But make sure to pick your charades team wisely...or else there will be (rhymes-with) fears.